Just as it was time a giant barracuda came past I jumped on it and pulled it in stabbed it 5 times and then in the eye so it finally died I then jumped in with my friend and started up because I forgot my oxygen tank.
I jumped in again with all my gear on as a shark past I stood still and then grabbed out my spear gun aimed and it saw me with my blood soon to be killed.I shot and the shark went to the bottom when I pulled of the spear I loaded it back up grabbed my knife out just in case of a sneak attack. a school of fish came by I swam through with my friend by my side
I was ready when a tiger shark came and started chewing on him we didn’t know we were in hawaii and so we started to punch the shark my friend survived but he was healed by the hawaiian people with magic and started us on a boat back to the swimming area we had traveled for miles no wonder our bones really hurt.
luckily we were back and swimming so instead of swimming back to hawaii we had to go to hospital to get our bones fixed and we also broke our leg on the way to get us scaned in case of viruses in case of shark and barracuda germs and I had barracuda and my friend had a tiger shark from the bite and we had to sleep for the last 5 weeks if we wanted to go back to the water.
I like how you are now considering structuring your writing into paragraphs. Remember time, place, topic person. Next, read your story out loud to help identify where sentences need full stops or commas. I also like where you added'no wonder our bones really hurt.' to give extra detail.
ReplyDelete